this is also posted on the imdb msg boards.
Rediscovering a man called Charlie Claverie
….there are holes in his story because, well quite simply, I don’t have all or enough info. I could’ve said that Charlie did this or that or maybe the other but that would get so boring to read…..
Any errors are entirely my own but some things are based on info gathered from various sources. I have merely tried to piece it together. Without those that knew Charlie and their comments and blogs all over the internet, aswell as my interaction with a few of them I wouldn’t have been able to piece together some of Charlie’s history.
If I have made any mistakes, or you think I have got anything wrong let me know and let me know what the correct info should be………
If anyone raises any objections as to why this should not be out for the public let me know your logical reasons.
Introduction
Charlie Rocket was a human being. In this day and age of celebrity some forget that celebrities are human beings, with human thoughts and feelings.
Charlie was a child, he was a brother, a husband, a father, a grandfather and an uncle.
I have also learnt that he was a very good friend to those that knew him. He was well loved and well respected by those closest to him. His suicide was a huge shock to his family and his friends. No-one had any idea that he was suffering on the inside. Even on his last day he was still making plans.
The simple truth is that Charlie got so lost in his mind that he had shut out the outside world.
I have learnt that Charlie was a kind, sweet, softly spoken man who was very humble. He was clever, funny, multi- talented and always looking out for others.
WARNING: Some of you may find this difficult to read as the subjects covered are child abuse, mental health issues and suicide. I have included his 2 brothers’ names because it’s important to know how/what he and they were called and how they were treated.
Chapter 1
Charlie’s Childhood
Charles Adams Claverie was born on 28th August 1949 in Bangor in Maine.
His parents were Ham and Mary Claverie. He was the 3rd son born in quick succession after Jim and Lincoln. He was the 5th of 8 children. The family lived on a farm.
Jim , Lincoln and Charlie shared a bedroom. They would share everything from the same food to clothes, from the same bathwater to the same school friends.
The 3 brothers, however, were never called by their own individual names by the parents. They were called “ JimLinkCharlie ”. This is not a cute thing. This is taking away the children’s identities. Imagine being called like this. Now imagine how a small child would feel mentally not knowing who they really are. The parents treated the 3 brothers as one entity. They were treated in a way that meant they were not allowed to like themselves at all and they weren’t allowed to be themselves
Early one morning their father dragged Jim, Lincoln and Charlie out of bed. They were taken outside just in their pyjamas in the middle of winter in the freezing cold weather. The 3 of them were made to put their thumbs on a tree stump used for chopping wood. Their father took an axe – he did not hesitate. Charlie was about 6 at the time. This meant Jim and Lincoln would’ve been about 8 and 7.
He raised the axe above their heads and thumbs and said to Charlie that if he ever put his thumb into his mouth he would chop it off. This terrified Charlie who was only 6 years old. He was so cold, he was thin and he wasn’t in good health because of the winter weather. The others were told the same.
Charlie lived his childhood in very difficult circumstances. His childhood was extremely traumatic. He was treated as if he didn’t matter. As if he was a nothing and a nobody.
Whenever the parents perceived any of the 3 brothers as doing something wrong or any other child for that matter they would all be punished.
Charlie wasn’t allowed to like himself at all. He wasn’t even allowed to be himself. If he so much as looked into a mirror he would be severely beaten. To look in a mirror was to regard oneself as important and to regard oneself as important was forbidden. Any child that did so would be severely beaten.
All the children were subjected to physical violence in the form of severe beatings. They were constantly belittled by the parents and suffered severe verbal, emotional and mental abuse aswell. I believe the children in effect were tortured to some level. Some were mentally upset.
The children were not allowed to use the indoor bathrooms and had to use the outside bug-infested one in the barn. So if a sister at aged 4 needed to go in the middle of the night in winter, she would have to walk outside and sit in a bug infested barn to go. This is so gross. There was absolutely no excuse for this.
Sometimes the children were not allowed into the house except for supper and bed. They would be just locked outside the house no matter whether it was raining, snowing, very hot or very cold. This happened for no reason at all. This is neglect.
Sometimes Charlie’s perceived misbehaviour by his parents meant that he got sent to bed several times without supper. Perhaps the others did too.
I can’t imagine why any parent would treat their children in the way that I have described above but there is no doubt this form of abuse took place.
When Charlie was being beaten or subjected to any other form of abuse he would, in his mind, try to cope by pretending to be somewhere else or even by pretending to be someone else. He would in effect dissociate from himself. This is not uncommon. It was the only way he could cope with the way that his parents treated him.
Because of the continued severe abuse Charlie’s mental health deteriorated and his disassociation became worse. I truly don’t know to what extent he really suffered but he suffered a great deal.
Charlie could not tell anyone. Who would believe him? The outward appearance of the family was that the children were well dressed, the family were respectable, neat and tidy. This was the 1950’s and 60’s. They always lived in big farmhouses so neighbours would not have seen or heard or have been able to guess what was happening to the children.
Charlie may not have even been able to put into words what was happening to him and what he was feeling. He was also taught by his parents emotionally not to tell outsiders what was going on inside the family. The father would threaten him with more physical violence aswell as emotionally torturing him.
Charlie always blamed himself for the way his parents treated him and he would always try to be extra good but it never worked.
The family moved to Hobbs Road in Hampton. It was here that Charlie went to Winnacunnet High School, in Alumni Drive, Hampton.
During those school years he made friends. However the abuse continued.
To hide it and to hide his pain Charlie would talk a lot. He became the class clown and was always joking around. He was already classed as a comedian and he became the most talkative in the class. He was also in a band with his brothers. By the time he graduated in 1967 he was known as the class wit. The 1967 yearbook listed him as the most talkative.
Sometimes the children would play games in the fields with the kids next door and the surrounding houses but they told no-one about the abuse they were suffering with.
As before his parents had created an outward appearance to everyone that they were a respectable family and that nothing untoward was happening within the household.
At the school prom Charlie was the life of the party. He was now 18 years of age. He dated a few times.
Charlie was also in a church youth group and served as its representative on a committee that hired a pastor, Herbert J Guth, for the United Church of Christ in North Hampton in 1967.
Chapter 2
Rhode Island School of Design and the 70’s.
Not long afterwards Charlie got admission into the Rhode Island School of Design (affectionately called RISDee ) It was an arts and media college. Earlier he had applied to various art colleges because he had liked art since elementary school. When he was younger he thought he wanted to be a truck driver. But he changed his mind – although he still wasn’t sure about this college he enrolled all the same. Charlie decided to study visual arts.
Going to college was the best thing that Charlie ever did. To quote him his “education literally changed my life ”. College opened up a whole new world for Charlie.
He made lots of friends. He stood head and shoulders above the rest – not just because of his height but because he had a certain sense of style and grace.
He was also away from the abuse he had suffered as a child.
As a young man he grew with a great deal of confidence in himself. Charlie had charisma and was an inspiration to others. He became announcer for nearly all RISDee events.
On one occasion Charlie was at a hockey match. RISD had a hockey team, who would come out on the field in mismatched clothing. There’s a story I came across
In one match the visiting team all came with matching gear. The RISDee team came out in their usual unmatching gear. As usual Charlie was the game announcer. To give them a boost Charlie started to shout out “ Rhode Island School of Design Nadz ” 1 letter at a time ……..
“First met Charles at a RISD Hockey Game, RISD Nadz vs. Assumption College Greyhounds... Yup, you read it right, RISD had a sports team. Charles was announcer, toastmaster, head cheerleader, of course -- Assumption warmed up, all gleaming chrome and blue matching uniforms... the look on their faces as our team came out on the ice to grand cheers: mismatched gym clothes, handmade costumes, elaborately decorated headgear and sticks... esp. the goalie's Devil mask... Charles had the panache of the smoothest talking head ever as he called the game, ESPN missed a great one, and during half time, came out to lead us in a frenzy of cheers: "Go NADZ! Go NADZ!" and the ever classic "Give Us an R!" "RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!" "Give Us an H!" "HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" -- and Charles proceeded to have everyone spell out the entire "R-H-O-D-E-I-S-L-A-N-D-S-C-H-O-O-L-O-F-D-E-S-I-G-N-N-A-D-Z" which delighted those in the know, startled those who didn't, but by the end, everyone was exulting in the sheer shrewd joyful absurdity that was the mark of Charles...became a fan of the Motels and echo the words of those who know just how much he inspired the entire bohemian bent in Rhody during the late 60s early 70s: RI's Young Adults, and RI-origins Talking Heads wouldn’t have been TH without Charles's influence (as well as his accordion!)………”
If a student didn’t know Charlie personally they definitely knew who he was. No one could mistake him. He was considered a genius. Charlie had formed the band “ The Fabulous Motels ”. By all accounts it was extremely popular. It was the RISDee house band from 1971 to 1973. He would play his accordion in a heavy rock kind of way. Charlie had his own style. Another accordion player called Stevie Thunder was also in the band.
No-one could mistake the influence Charlie had on those around him. He drew people to him. He would inspire others to realise that nothing was impossible and that a person could follow their dreams. Later Charlie influenced many other bands like The Young Adults and Talking Heads.
During his time at RISDee Charlie studied arts and filmmaking. He would quite often go around with his best friend . Sometimes they would go out on the street and start filming the ordinary public. Charlie would do this in such a way as to make himself sound like a journalist. He would do this as if to parody the real journalists. Charlie made several short films during his time at RISDee. He created absurdist movies and performances like “ Polaroid Sausage : a frank discussion of elementary photography”. ( recordings are lost to history…? )
Charlie was a guy that was so funny... he didn't have to crack a million jokes. He just knew, instinctively, how to get a laugh. Charlie became a central figure in the Rhode Island underground scene of the early '70s.
Charlie and his best friend, painter Dan Gosch, formed Rhode Island’s environmental superheroes, Captain Packard and Lobo and would gatecrash various fastfood chain openings. They would also turn up unannounced and uninvited at a General Assembly session. This was captured on film: “ Captain Packard and Lobo Visit the State House”.
Charlie would do the weirdest things. One night Charlie took a car parking meter from the street and used it to replace one of his bedposts. He didn’t just do this though. Oh no, that wasn’t funny enough for Charlie. He would put money in it before going to bed…….
Charlie worked at Joe’s café where, amongst other items, they sold ice-creams and sandwiches. He made the paper plate drawings that advertised what was on the menu.
On one occasion a friend came into the café. She noticed that they used the ice-cream scoop for scooping tuna onto sandwiches. She thought this was cool. Charlie was behind the ice-cream bar. He asked her what she wanted, out of the blue she asked for a tuna cone. He turned to her and, without batting an eyelid, asked seriously “sugar or plain ”. ( referring to the cone) . She replied sugar. Charlie gave it to her. He then got a paperplate and drew a tuna ice-cream cone with a price on it and displayed it in the café window.
Whilst working or hanging around at Joe’s café, Charlie, on most nights, at midnight would take out his accordion, go outside and just play on the street. Just for the sheer joy of playing his music and just for the fun of it. I heard that he sometimes played “2001 : A Space Odyssey”. He had worked out the chords for this piece of music all by himself and liked playing it. I don’t know if it was his favourite piece of music though.
People around him would have fun.
Charlie was like that – always trying to get others to laugh and enjoy themselves so he could laugh too. At some level he was still trying to forget his torturous childhood. He managed to block it out most of the time but sometimes he couldn’t. On odd occasions when he couldn’t forget he would sometimes compensate for it by doing the most weirdest and outlandish things : that’s why he was the way he was…… showing Charlie wasn’t always “right” in his head.
However because no-one knew about his child abuse they accepted his behaviour as Charlie being “ Just Charlie” and that he was a “wacky” guy.
In 1972 at the end of a Fabulous Motels concert a young man came up to Charlie and asked him for advice on how to play accordion. This young adult wanted some advice and Charlie being the man that he was gave him inspiration and advice. Charlie was incredibly patient, kind and encouraging. I’m sure that young man never forgot.
Charlie was a hero and an inspiration to others and anyone that ever met him would never forget him.
Charlie’s artistic life and his real life were bound together like glue – one side could not survive or exist without the other. His infectious humour and wonderful ability to improvise on a moment's notice was a natural talent.
In 1972 he married the love of his life, Beth. The marriage took place aboard the USS Massachusetts in Fall River. It was a fabulous party. A young band from Providence called the Hamilton Bates Blue Flames provided the music.
Beth was an artist and Charlie always encouraged his wife in her artwork. He was very protective and supportive of her. Charlie loved Beth very much. She was a very warm hearted person and was a real glow by his side. In later years he would talk about her to his co-workers and friends with love, admiration and deep affection.
Charlie was at an Alice Cooper concert in 1973 ( yes Alice Cooper toured around Rhody in 73). After the concert Charlie grabbed hold of Alice Cooper to get a picture taken. It is said that this picture ended up in the 1973 RISDee student year book. Charlie is said to have been having the time of his life. Most students got 1 page each however Charlie ( I believe ) got 3 indicating he was a very popular young man.
Charlie loved music with his body and soul. He could get lost in music. It was his passion. He could bash out anything on his accordion. Charlie would play it with gusto and his own style – it is said he played it in a rock-like manner. Kind of heavy.
After college in 1973 the Fabulous Motels disbanded – some members moved on but Charlie stayed around Rhody for awhile.
A story goes that Charlie entered a demolition derby at a place called Seekonk Speedway. A film crew was around. Charlie, who was a great driver, probably would’ve done better had he not been fooling around and messing about playing to the cameras with his long white scarf blowing in the wind outside the window. ( Isadora Duncan style )
Charlie did a number of odd jobs here and there. Charlie, who was 6ft 5, worked as one of the 1st bartenders for a while at Leo’s with a friend, who was 6ft 4. The pair of them were known as the tallest bartenders in town.. ( Leo’s is now legendary ). He gave his friend the name for his sports column “ On the Ball and Off the Wall ”.
Charlie managed a nightclub for a short time in East Providence. On 1 April 1974 he invited those who had been in the Fabulous Motels to do a gig. What followed was some kind of comedic like performance – a Marx Brothers like scene. This did not go down well or impress the “upper management ” who didn’t like it or the performance. A few days later Charlie left the job.
Between 1974 and 1979 Charlie moved around working as a reporter and anchorman.
From 1974 to 1976 he worked as a TV news reporter for the local news at Channel 12 WPRI based in East Providence. Charlie sent in a satirical audition cassette tape he’d made in film class whilst at college, to one of the TV news channels showing his college work. The news producer thought Charlie was being serious and before he knew it he was interviewing the governor in front of the state house. The channel liked his voice, fresh face and good looks. Even though he had no real experience he pulled it off by being a brilliant and quick study and he learnt the ropes fast. Charlie was a natural. Because of his success as a news reporter the network plastered his face on billboards and buses advertising the nightly news.
Later he and Beth moved and he worked in Pueblo, Colorado Springs for KOAA – TV, which was a part of NBC, under his own name. He then moved to Nashville and worked again as anchorman for WTVF but because of his strange surname the news channel there felt he should change it. They suggested a few names and Charlie decided to pick Kennedy and so he became known as Charles Kennedy.
Going to college and the 70’s was the best time of Charlie’s life. He grew in himself as an individual, ( he was not JimLinkCharlie anymore ), he gained friends, gained confidence in himself as a young man, gained a lot of knowledge – Charlie always learnt things quickly. He got married, started working, started a career and started a family. ( Zane was born around 1976/77 ). In effect Charlie had grown enough to become stable and had blossomed.
At some point Charlie was the host of an afternoon show called “ Super Show ” which showed vintage serial TV shows from the 1950’s. ( I don’t know which year he did this )
Chapter 3
The start of the 80’s and Saturday Night Live.
Sometime in 1980 Charlie recorded on the “ Amarcord Nino Rota” album, playing his accordion aswell as bells. This was released on 1st January 1981. ( I don’t know if he did this before SNL or during )
In 1980 Charlie was looking for a change in his career. He decided he didn’t want to just be a news anchor. He wanted to go into comedy. It was really what he wanted to do. He moved with his family to New York.
Charlie submitted a video of his news reports to Lorne Michaels the producer of Saturday Night Live. Lorne Michaels had been looking around for potential new members for the show, however when his contract demands were denied by NBC he left the show.
This gave Charlie his chance. His tape impressed NBC Entertainment head Brandon Tartikoff and Jean Doumanian. Charlie was hired.
He became the “ Weekend Update ” anchor and was also in most sketches. But the problems had more to do with the writing than with Charlie’s delivery on Weekend Update. He was saddled with severely overwritten lines, wordy sentences that would have been tough to say, let alone make funny. ( this was the general opinion at the time….) He sign-off was “ Good night and watch out ”
Charlie, however, was up against the public and the audience of the show. They expected the new team to be as good as, if not better, than the last. This would be impossible because clearly there were now different writers, actors and a different producer. When the expectations of the audience were not reached ratings started to go down. It wasn’t Charlie’s fault. He was up against the audience and in their opinion some bad writing.
Charlie’s best moments were the Rocket Reports. This was his idea. After all he was doing exactly this kind of film work in college. But he never got paid for his ideas ( and it was never acknowledged until after his death.).
In the Rocket Reports, Charlie would take to the streets of New York, interviewing and pestering people on the street. He was fearless and quick on the taped segments and there was a liveliness to it that was otherwise absent from the show.
Charlie was a real team player. What he was doing was urging for better material, and creating his own material, like the Rocket Reports and stuff like that. He was doing everything he could.
Unfortunately this wasn’t enough for the audience.
This show was put out late at night. It also had some risqué skits. But the audience expectations were not being reached.
There was a lot of stuff happening in the background between the producer Jean Doumanian and the writers. Everybody was at each other’s throats. Charlie found it very hard to be the comedian that he was supposed to be every week with all this going on in the background. He was caught in the middle, as was everyone else.
At the 15 year reunion in 1989 Charlie stated:
“There’s nothing worse than being in the middle of a sketch while you’re in 40 million living rooms and having it bomb. The relationship between Jean and the writers was really bad. Everybody was at each other’s throats. It was hard enough just going on the air every week, let alone getting in the middle of that stuff. ”
Many written versions of this sketch exist on the internet:
Here’s mine based on actually watching the goodnights.
On 21st February 1981 the SNL team were in a sketch parodying the Dallas episode
“ Who shot JR Ewing ” in their own version titled : “ Who shot CR ”
Towards the end of the final scene of this sketch Charlie was shot. In the goodnights scene everyone had gathered together. There was some time left and they needed to improvise to fill in the empty time. Charlie was still in character in a wheelchair sporting a bandage on his left side between his chest and shoulder.
Charlene Tilton asked “ Charlie, How’re you feeling now after being shot?”
Charlie replied: “ Oh man, It’s the 1st time I’ve ever been shot in my life, I’d like to know who F…. did it ”. ( notice he misses out the word “the” )
There was laughter and squeals from the SNL team aswell as the audience. Obviously people were shocked and covered it by laughing etc.
If you look and listen closely at this sketch Charlie misses out the word “the” in the sentence – “ I’d like to know who f…. did it” instead of “I’d like to know who THE f…..did it ”. This indicates that it was not deliberate. Also Charlie’s reaction shows he doesn’t realise what he had said otherwise he would’ve been laughing nervously himself.
The reaction of the viewers and NBC was strong. Some viewers complained.
It didn’t matter that the show was on very late at night. It didn’t matter that there were some risqué skits. It didn’t matter that the “f” word had been said before on SNL and infact on other programmes.
But it did matter when Charlie said it. He never remembered saying it and had to be shown the recording more than once before he accepted that he had said it. He was accused of doing it deliberately which was upsetting for him. It was a genuine mistake. It was a slip up.
At the 1989 reunion Charlie said: “ I’m not proud of the fact that it slipped through, but that’s all it was – a slip. It just happened, but Charlie Rocket saying the F-word still fascinates people ”
Charlie was up against the National Federation of Decency and NBC.
I found this entry in a book called “ Inside Prime Time” ( some pgs available to view online. http://books.google.com/books?id=AHo7cpq-DQsC&pg=PA252&lpg=PA2 52&dq=charles+rocket+nbc&source=web&ots=Kz4Ui2_MDH&sig =GV7a6mDDM3VLlfOc3QNDlPf82o0#PRA1-PA252,M1 The pivotal figure in censorship was Rev. Donald Wildmon, a Methodist minister who operated a National Federation for Decency, I think Wildmon was interveiwed for this book. From pg 252 Quote: “ During an earlier survey, Wildmon had been so incensed by a four letter word uttered by Saturday Night Live’s Charles Rocket that he had threatened to double the offensiveness ratings for all NBC shows…………….” End quote. This was what Charlie had been up against when he accidentally swore.
The fallout over this was that he lost his job. It was so that NBC could save it’s own skin. Charlie was made the scapegoat. But it didn’t end there. On no, that wasn’t enough for NBC. Several others lost their jobs.
Charlie being the man that he was was horrified that his genuine mistake had cost others their jobs.
He suffered the guilt over this and became traumatised and deeply upset. Charlie who was the nicest, kindest person, who was always looking out for others, truly suffered with the guilt. He blamed himself.
He lost all confidence in himself that had built up since his RISDee days. He thought back to his childhood and all the mistakes he had been accused of making by his parents when he was a child. And the terrible child abuse that he had suffered but had blocked out to some extent over the last few years.
Charlie’s world came crashing down around him and he became depressed. He still had an underlying, untreated mental illness from his childhood that now resurfaced. This illness was along the lines of disassociative identity disorder. He didn’t know he had it, he didn’t understand why he felt the way he did but he tried not to let his feelings show though to those closest to him.
He was good at hiding his scars and the thoughts associated with them. He was good at hiding his hurt feelings – just like he did when he was a child. Sometimes he wouldn’t be in touch with reality and this was noticed by others every now and again throughout his life – this is one of the signs of DID – however it was put down to Charlie being “ Just Charlie ”.
To be accused of saying the F – word deliberately was bad enough. To then be accused of being the 1st to say it on live TV was much worse. He made a genuine mistake and he was never the 1st to say it on live TV but he was accused and it stuck and he was never allowed to forget his genuine mistake.
Add to this the fact that others lost their jobs and you have someone who felt really guilty on the inside. He felt he was to blame.
Throughout his life Charlie felt like he always had to explain that it was a mistake and not done on purpose. Whenever anyone brought it up he had to explain and then he would try and laugh it off.
Charlie felt the guilt and it did not go away. Over time it might’ve lessened but it never went away.
Chapter 4
The start of something new
When Debbie Harry had hosted Saturday Night Live on 14 February 1981, her and her (then) boyfriend Chris Stein hit it off with Charlie straightaway. When Charlie lost his job Chris thought this was a big chance to get a star on TV Party and so he invited Charlie to join the TV Party gang, which Charlie did.
Charlie’s 1st major appearance on the show featured him playing heavy metal accordion performing “ Wild Thing ”.
Charlie also played with the TV Party Heavy Metal Orchestra in a special “ Live at the Mudd Club ”. There were 10 or 12 guitarists in the band aswell as Charlie with his Marshall amped feedback accordion. The music featured loud, long versions of Smoke on the Water, American Woman, Born to be Wild and other heavy hits……..
(any recordings of this are sadly lost to history)
Charlie appeared on TV Party frequently and sometimes accompanied Glenn O’Brien on late night rounds at different nightclubs.
However Charlie wasn’t getting any pay for his work on TV Party. ( I don’t know how he and his family managed financially unless it was through Beth’s artwork.). So he did the only logical thing. He took his family and moved to Hollywood in Los Angeles to get acting work. Charlie, Beth and Zane lived in an industrial loft north of downtown Los Angeles.
Sometime in 1981 he took part in the B52’s Mesopotamia recording playing his accordion. This record was released in February 1982.
Things were slow to start with and Charlie had a tough time getting work. The suggestion is that he might’ve been “ blacklisted ” because of his accidental swearing – which was still assumed as being deliberate. But he never gave up his dreams of working in the TV / Film industry.
Charlie did get work eventually and began to work steadily in the TV / Film industry. But he was not destined to reach the heights that he should’ve had. His 1st production, after SNL and TV Party, was “ The Outlaws ”, which came out in July 1984 so I don’t know what he did after leaving TV Party and before The Outlaws. He worked fairly steadily after that.
Because he lived near his work he had more time to be with his son Zane.
Sometimes he would meet up with friends and play his accordion how he wanted to play it. Sometimes he would play stuff from eerily aching ballads to heavy thumping noises ( heavy metal ). There were scenes of memorable parties and jam sessions and Charlie, as always, would wrench strange new sounds out of his accordion. Charlie knew many people in the music industry and many bands.
When people were around Charlie he was able to reasonably get on with life and most of the time he could forget the negative things in his past.
During the 80’s he worked on episodic programmes including Remington Steele, Moonlighting and Miami Vice aswell as a few films like Fraternity Vacation and California Girls.( full details on IMDB).
In 1986 Charlie took Beth and Zane with him to Mexico to film Down Twisted. This was an action-comedy in which he had the lead role with Carey Lowell. It was the 1st time Charlie had been abroad.
In February 1987 Charlie gave an interview about his life and work to a journalist who worked for Chicago Sun Times. Down Twisted was later released in March 1987.
Sometime during this period Charlie filmed “ Earth Girls Are Easy ”. Production had been due to start in 1986 but it was delayed and the film wasn’t released until 1989
Around 1989 Charlie took dancing lessons with Kim Cattrall for the film part in Honeymoon Academy. They had to learn Argentina Tango and basic Swing for a dance scene. Sonny Watson was hired by the film studio to teach them at the Debbie Reynolds dance studio in North Hollywood, California. Both Charlie and Kim sent a thank-you letter to Sonny for the lessons he gave them. This film was released in 1990
On 25th September 1989 Charlie attended the Saturday Night Live 15 year anniversary. He stated the following:
“ There's nothing worse than being in the middle of a sketch while you're in 40 million living rooms and having it bomb. The relationship between Jean and the writers was really bad. Everybody was at each other's throat. It was hard enough just going on the air every week, let alone getting in the middle of that stuff. ”
“ I'm not proud of the fact that it slipped through, but that's all it was--a slip. It just happened, but Charlie Rocket saying the F-word still fascinates people. ”
Charlie mimicking Reagan, says, "Everybody really expected us to fill those big shoes or get out of town."
During his career most parts Charlie played were funny and semi-villainous. He also did episodic TV – more of Moonlighting. Max Headroom, Quantum Leap, Tequilla and Bonetti, Murder She Wrote and Flying Blind. ( full details on IMDB).
Around late 1988 / early 1989 Charlie took part in Tom Petty’s Yer So Bad music video. He played a yuppie type character who basically got taken to the cleaners by his new wife. This music single was released on 24th April 1989.
Chapter 5
The 1990’s
Around 1989/90 Charlie did Dances With Wolves, which won several Oscars. Charlie felt proud to have worked on Dances With Wolves and he got on well with everyone. He worked with a man called Tony who said this 2 years after Charlie’s death :
Link:
http://www.blogofdeath.com/archives/001510.html
I just found out that Charlie Rocket committed suicide. I don't know why I did not hear about it, but I am stunned. Charlie and I did Dances With Wolves together. We hit it off right away. We often talked about life. The episode in which he used the F... word was really very troublesome to Charlie. He often spoke of remorse about the incident, but always said he really did not mean to say it. He said it just came out. He was such a kind and gentle soul and always looked out for the other person. I wish his dear wife well, she was a sweetheart and I hope his family is doing well also. Charlie you will be missed and I will forever remember the days of Dances……. Posted by tony on October 5, 2007 6:31 PM
Some Observations on Quantum Leap : A Little Miracle
In 1989 / 1990 Charlie played a scrooge like character called Michael G Blake in a Quantum Leap episode called A Little Miracle. In this the character he portrayed went through many emotions and expressions, from being the hard-nosed businessman to being a person who had human emotions at the end. This was part of the story but to me it expressed the versatility of Charlie’s acting skills. Charlie had a certain sparkle to his eyes when he was filming some of the scenes but in others he appears to be somewhere else.
However I did notice whilst watching this that towards the end of the production when the news was being read on a large screen – the female newsreader states “ Here now the news ” was this a reference to Charlie’s days on SNL…? – I’m sure he would’ve been reminded of SNL if indeed he actually saw it as they were filming – he appears to react although of course it might’ve been added in post-production. On Weekend Update his 1st words were always, “Good evening, I'm Charles Rocket. Here now the news."
As Charlie was filming this episode of Quantum Leap he was being reminded of his own not so nice childhood. There were children involved in the plot and the character was being reminded of his childhood. So it is obvious that as Charlie was taking part in filming he would be reminded of his own childhood. There is one scene where the Tiny Boy ( played by Jarrett ) handed Charlie a three legged horse and it is noticeable that for a split second Charlie is somewhere else – the expressions on his face tell a story. It’s not related to the character that he is supposed to be portraying.
In another scene Charlie, in character, is in the back of the car talking about his – the character’s mother, to Sam ( played by Scott Bakula ) who’s driving the car. It is again noticeable that he speaks with such vehemence and is not looking at Sam (Scott) when he’s talking – which for a production of this class is something strange. One would expect that he should’ve been looking at the driver when he was talking but he isn’t.
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It has been noticed by those that worked with Charlie on productions here and there that sometimes there was pain around the edges of his performances ( this was realised even more after his suicide.).
In 1991 ( or possibly late 1990 ) Charlie took part again in another Music video. This time in Roger McGuinn’s “ King of the Hill ”. Tom Petty collaborated with Roger on this music video by playing one of his famous guitars. It is noted that in one scene when Charlie – in character, enters a black car to go home the newspaper headline reads: "Foreclosure: Jefferson , S and L Nose Dive " I don’t know whether it was a proper headline but reading that sounds like SNL nose dive to me. If he had this prop in his hand he would've been reminded again of his mistake on SNL 10/11 years later as well because SNL did nose dive.…...
To be reminded of his SNL mistake was devastatingly painful for Charlie but he never let it show that he was hurting and always laughed it off………
On 13th October 1992 Charlie filled out a medical history form before he started filming Hocus Pocus. Filming began in or just before 1993 and the film was released later in 1993.
At some point Charlie had become an Ordained Minister ( don’t know when ) and he was allowed to perform wedding ceremonies. He performed the wedding ceremony of Joe Pantoliano and model Nancy Sheppard on 18th February 1994 in Los Angeles.
In 1994 Charlie was in a film with Julia Sweeney called “ It’s Pat. ”. This was written by both Julia Sweeney and Jim Emerson. It was based on a Saturday Night Live sketch. It was a low budget production. One afternoon during some down-time Charlie kept everyone amused with his funny stories. I’ve heard it said that without his stories that afternoon, things could’ve been rather boring. One day Charlie ( playing Kyle ) and Julia ( playing Pat ) tried to film a particular scene. They laughed so hard that they could hardly shoot the scene. Charlie was so hilarious that both he and Julia ended up in fits of giggles.
Later in 1994 Charlie got the part to play Adam, an Angel of Death for a new series called Touched by an Angel. He was in the very 1st episode called “ The Southbound Bus ” Over the next nine years he was in 10 episodes.
Here’s what Martha Williamson said about Charlie after his death:
“It was Charlie’s performance in the first episode of Touched By An Angel that convinced me that we had something truly special. I will never forget his first scene with Roma Downey on a neighbourhood street in Salt Lake City. Dressed in white, sitting on the steps of a home where paramedics were removing a body, Charlie bounded cheerfully down the sidewalk to greet Monica and inform her that his client had just “gone home.” He played that role with a skillful combination of loopiness and authority, peace and humour. He embodied the gentle truth of the show: that God loves and cares for us and knows us better than we know ourselves. Charlie was a joy on and off the set, always to be counted on for his talent and his professionalism…”
( link: http://www.touched.com/touched05/remembers.php#charles )
Charlie left Touched by an Angel in late 1994 to start work on filming a drama series called “ The Home Court ”. The Touched by an Angel team left his part of Adam, the Angel of Death, open for him in case he decided to come back. ( another Angel of Death called Andrew was played by John Dye ).
“ The Home Court ” series unfortunately only lasted a year or so. ( 1 season)
Charlie was also in some films including “ Tom and Huck ” and “ Steal Big, Steal Little ”.
2 years after leaving Touched by an Angel, Charlie was filming “ Murder at 1600 ”.
He spent a whole day – 13 / 14 hours filming a part that in the film lasted only about 1 and a half minutes. The scene was shot from all different angles. And so Charlie had to do the same part over and over again. This would’ve been very tiring. Charlie’s part was to hold up traffic and he was threatening to kill himself. Charlie was so intense whenever he played the scene – he was crying a lot and had stuff coming out of his nose.
An extra called Wes Johnson blogged this on the 12 August 1996:
link:
http://groups.google.de/group/alt.tv.snl/browse_thread/thread/995b9f3d888b6007/eb4e012244d0a624?lnk=gst&q=charles+rocket&rnum=13&hl=de#eb4e012244d0a624
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“ Dennis Miller is filming a new movie called "Murder at 1600" in DC, in which he plays an undercover police sidekick to Wesley Snipes. The story is about a murder that takes place at the White House.
I was an extra on the opening scene where a man having a nervous breakdown (Charles Rocket) stands in the middle of the street waving a gun at bystanders and at himself. Snipes and Miller screech onto the scene in an unmarked vehicle, and join some SWAT members behind a conveniently parked vehicle to assess the scene.
Wesley then pulls a Dirty Harry... except he walks unarmed out to Charlie and begins talking to him. Charlie rants and raves, Wesley punches him in the nose, and while backup rushes to the scene, Snipes gives up his hanky to mop up the blood (none really seen). Snipes hands the gun to Dennis, who makes a smart comment (unheard from where I was standing... probably "Nice work Kemosabe!") and walks away.
Poor Charlie Rocket. He snotted, and drooled, and played the nutcase for over 13 hours straight as they got that scene from a hundred different angles.
After each take, Miller would try to get a smile out of him, usually succeeding. Rocket was very intense. So intense, that probably his best take was ruined when after a huge, bubbly string of stuff flew from
his nose during one take, Wesley Snipes couldn't remember his lines. It was a remarkable demonstration of bodily fluids in motion, and Snipes had to go laugh it off as Charlie tried to keep the edge. ”
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Charlie was also a smoker - he would do it quiet frequently in films – not part of the character. In this scene he had a packet of cigarettes in the left breast pocket of his blue shirt – an outline of the box can be seen. But the part did not call for smoking. Besides which his wife gave Charlie’s smoking pipe to a very old and long time friend after his death so Charlie was definitely a smoker…..
Also his face was quiet wet. In some shots ( out of order ) his shirt was soaking indicating it was a very hot day and that he’d been washing his face a lot – because the water would run down his shirt and make it wet.
Charlie did all that just for about a minute and a half of film time. Murder at 1600 was released in 1997.
In 1997 Charlie was in another music video for the band The Refreshments and their song video: “ Good Year ”. The CD was released in September 1997.
Sometime in 1997 Charlie returned to Touched by an Angel to do another episode.
Over the next few years Charlie continued to act in some films and in some series such as Star Trek: Voyager and X-Files. He also did quite a bit of voiceover work for cartoons and games like Age of Mythology and The New Batman Adventures. ( full details on IMDB ).
At some point Charlie did a voice recording for a production company in Providence, Rhode Island for their answering service – they liked his voice………( don’t now what year)
Chapter 6
Charlie in his 50’s.
Throughout the years Charlie grew a beard on and off. So in some episodes of TV series that he was in he was sporting a beard.
In 2000 Charlie was back in another series called “ Normal, Ohio ” which starred John Goodman. He was in 7 episodes. Later Charlie was back in Touched by an Angel filming “ The Sign of the Dove ” with a beard and he did not look his age of 50 years…..
Sometime in 2002 Charlie took part in filming a film short called Bleach. He played Reverend Jim. ( with a beard ). It was directed by Jacob Rosenberg and was about making stains and sins disappear by using bleach powder as a drug to remove them……
This is what Jacob Rosenberg had to say about Charlie and the film “ Bleach ” after Charlie’s death:
24 — October 21, 2005 @ 12:51PM — jacob [URL]
“ I just wanted to chime in to your posting as Charles acted in my short film Bleach. It was a short, it was shot over a weekend, but charles had an important role. He was so sincere and so full of stories and knowledge, he taught me a lot about working with actors and told us a lot about himself. He was an ordained minister, he studied religion furiously and was one of those people who knew a lot about a lot of things.
This week, I compressed my short into a smaller file so that people could see Charles at work in something that people wouldn't normally see. I think he tapped into something deep with the role, but that may be because it was my film and I was happy with what he did. There are some spooky things about it that make his suicide ironic with some imagery from the film; particularily some takes we didn't use. Nonetheless, I think Charles was a special person and I feel fortunate to have worked with him. If you want to check it out: (charles comes into the short about 4 minutes in) http://www.formikafilms.com/bleach/bleach_37meg.wmv ”Jacob
#26 — October 21, 2005 @ 17:44PM — Jacob [URL]
“ I have no idea as to his motivation, I hadn't spoken to him in years. There is a true sense of sadness that charles conveyed when playing the reverend, there are a couple of moments where you can see that in his eyes. I really don't mean to make too much of it, but it's hard not to see those things when you have a new perspective. I was talking with my friend who wrote the short and we were talking about conversations we had with him about religion and all that and it's just a surprise that his suicide would be so brutal. I could only think maybe he was diagnosed with something terminal (that is not based on any knowledge, just speculation), but even then, there would be an easier and less painful way to check out.”
Charlie’s work appeared to be slowing down over his last years – he barely got any. After doing Bleach, Charlie was just in 6 more productions.
He filmed 2 episodes of Touched by an Angel which aired on 25th January – The Root of All Evil and 26 April 2003- I Will Walk With You. His episode of King of Queens; Steve Moscow in which he played a Russian contractor aired 10th March 2003. Filming takes place roughly 4 - 6 weeks before an episode.
The film Shade was released in May 2003 so he would’ve filmed it 2002 / 2003. This was to be his last film role.
When Charlie filmed the Touched by an Angel episode he was aged 53 – however he didn’t look his age. He still looked younger.
When he filmed his last comedy role, which was Steve on King of Queens, he still looked young. He was quiet funny with his Russian accent. I don’t know how anyone can talk about mould and make it funny but he did. His hair was messy but he looked well and his skin was clear of any marks. ( it could’ve been stage make-up). He seemed to have enjoyed playing this role. Smiling and joking ( part of the role). Charlie also had this trademark – in which he would move his eyebrows up in a certain way. In the story at the end the character Steve ( played by Charlie ) receives an award for his mould work – a “ Mouldy…”..
When I watch this final scene Charlie is most certainly not in character but appears to be more or less himself. And he looks happy at receiving this award. ( wishful thinking no doubt). He still had a certain sparkle to his eyes.
In 2003 / 2004 financial year Charlie and Beth donated to an organisation for the arts – music theatre, performers and writers etc. My guess is that they had done this before over the years.
Chapter 7
Charlie’s move to Canterbury
In 2003 Charlie and Beth bought a big ( by UK standards) old house in Canterbury, Connecticut. The house was a bit of a wreck and needed a lot of work doing on it. Charlie, who had been brought up as a child on farmland with big farmhouses, was used to hard work and fixing things. He knew how to fix things. He was good at it. He knew he could do it.
Canterbury is a very quiet place, with rolling hills and very beautiful scenery. It is set in a rural area and has a population of a round 5,000. It is set along route 169. Charlie’s house was set slightly back from the road on route 169. It was a big white house with a lot of history. Built in 1783 by Asa Bacon for his son and it was known as the Asa Bacon Homestead. It has 2 great big barns and the house and barns sit on nearly 13 acres of land, close to the Canterbury border.
This is on the East coast. Charlie had suffered the indignities of Hollywood over the years and wanted to try something new – more voice over work. This could be why he moved. Also when he had lived in Rhode Island he had been highly thought of and had been very successful. Canterbury wasn’t far from Rhody.
He was very good at voice over work. And it was more lucrative than other work in the industry. But it was much harder to break into this than what he had been doing. He had already done some voiceover work. I do not know what work he got in this field ( until 2005 ).
Sometime in 2003 Charlie went to a Hollywood party. He met old friends and people he had worked with there.
Over the next few months Charlie worked on the house mainly by himself. He had undertaken a huge project. He was prepared to do all the work himself.
Before when he was living in L.A. there was always hustle and bustle around him and his mind was more distracted by the things around him, although he suffered from depression on and off he never let it show. Even if he had got angry over anything he would be the 1st one to always say “ Everything was fine. ”
As he was working his old childhood memories would come back to haunt him because he was working on the farmhouse and as a child he had lived in farmhouses. He would be doing something on the house when all of a sudden a certain childhood memory or thought would come back to him. It was very quiet. Too quiet for a man like Charlie.
Before Law and Order Charlie last worked on anything around February 2003. Charlie had always needed a job from others or permission to do a job.
Chapter 8
Law and Order, Criminal Intent: Pas de Deux
He filmed Law and Order Criminal Intent: Pas de Deux between 22nd December 2003 and 14th January 2004. This was aired 15th February 2004.
This was to be Charlie’s last production that was finished………
After watching this in July 07 here’s what I think – this I already posted out on the internet in Sept 07:
The following is going to be a long explanation of things I observed ( it also includes Spoilers : so be aware) 2 things became apparent to me about Charlie who was playing Donny dePalma : 1. Charlie was definitely going through a very personal / private change in himself, totally unrelated to the storyline whilst filming. I did take the storyline into a/c : the character he was playing was Donny DePalma ( at the beginning he was being called Jonny). Donny was suffering from cancer. I had to think about the character Charlie was playing, his stage make up ( if he had any at all ), the character’s illness etc. Then I discounted that from what else I was seeing / observing. I understand the storyline takes place over about 3 or 4 weeks or so. AND 2. The finger injury he had was real. I came to the above through the following: ( it will make sense by the end - I hope ) Charlie had been out of work for about 10 months in 2003.( he last worked around Feb 2003 at a guess before doing Law and Order ).
During 2003 he had moved from LA to Canterbury in Connecticut. He bought a big, very old house with old surrounding barns in about 13 acres of land. The place was dilapidated. It needed a lot of work doing to it- it was a big project. He started to spend alot of time fixing up the house. He did most of the work himself, alone- I believe he was good at fixing things. Of course while he was fixing things he would injure himself. His hands aged alot between doing King of Queens and Law and Order - indicating he was doing alot of hard manual labour. Anyway depression set in because of his loneliness ( being away from friends and other family members) and being out of work and the fact that he had alot of time to think about things especially the negative things in his life as he was working on his house and surrounding buildings. When he started filming Law and Order he was already in a depressive phase / state.
I'm guessing the 1st few days were harder for him because he'd been out of work for a while. Something happened on 29 Dec 03 (or even 28th) either at home or work if he was in, for him to write a comment on a blog, which had nothing to do with what he wanted to say. He wrote: Does anybody know who I am anymore? Posted by: Charles Rocket December 29, 2003 at 02:39 PM Someone replied. The next day he wrote: I was also in Dances With Wolves and It's Pat. Posted by: Charles Rocket December 30, 2003 at 09:04 AM link: http://jumbledpileofperson.typepad.com/jmsr/2003/12/back_in_the_sad.html " Does anybody know who I am anymore " , indicates that he was already depressed and it does appear to sound like that maybe he thought his talents weren't being used properly or that there was something else - maybe he thought the character should've been portrayed differently. ( however I understand from an interview done by Rene Balcer that during filming scripts can't be changed ) Maybe what had happened to him was more personal / private. In his mind he was thinking very negatively about himself. However as filming progressed Charlie started to get better. In most of his scenes he looks fine, his hair is tidy, the skin on his face looks fine and his eyes look ok – you can see the colour of his eyes, which were grey. ( a couple of side views of his face show his eyes are smiling) ( the clothing is not an issue as it was provided by the wardrobe dept ). But in all of his scenes except 1 he has a bandage on the middle finger of his left hand, which once or twice looked dull but other times looked white and clean ( not in the order of the storyline) - so whatever injury he had was severe enough to last several days and require a change of bandage(s) .( if this had been part of the storyline he would have had it in the one scene where he doesn’t have it aswell and the continuity of the bandage colour would, I’m sure, be better ). This is where it gets more interesting. I understand that scenes are not filmed in the order we see them in the finished TV episode. Of course I don’t know the order they were filmed in so I could be totally wrong in what else I’m about to say. In the scene where Eames was interviewing him, we can see Charlie’s character, Donny, through the 2-way mirror. His hair is combed back and is neat and tidy and only looks slightly grey. From what I could see the skin on his face is clear of any marks and his hands are flat out on the table and he's not wearing a bandage at all. He looks in very good health. In the storyline he goes to the bathroom. Moments later in the story time- line ( half an hour / an hour or so later) he is being interviewed by Vincent’s character Goren. Goren enters the interview and we can hear Donny saying to his advocate something like “must’ve got lost on the doughnut run ” ( who thought of that line?- good joke, I almost missed it …..). This is where the continuity went out the window. The characters Goren, Donny and his advocate ( and later Eames ) are all wearing the same clothes, as in the earlier scene however Charlie’s character – Donny - looks a lot worse than he should. Remember, I’ve said that in the previous scene he looked in very good health – hair combed neat, face clear of marks; hands are fine and no bandage. Also in all the other scenes earlier ( except 1 other) in the storyline he looks fine. Well at the start of this interview scene he looks so sick, his hair is all over his forehead and totally loose than a moment ago. It’s greyer, messier. There’s something not right with the skin on his face, it looks really bad – he looks worse for wear and so much older than earlier, he has a bandage on his finger of his left hand. His hands look like he’s been doing a lot of hard work with them. ( something wrong with his left eye but I can’t be sure). His speech is also different and much slower than before. He looks almost like this ( ill ) in only 1 other scene, which is in the coffee shop after Ernie comes out the bathroom with the real bomb on him ( unknown to him ) and Donny takes the key from the counter. However, moments earlier in the story time line when he’d been with the character Margie having lunch and they skipped out without paying he looked so much better. Also after the coffee shop scene with Ernie, in the same hour of the story time-line when he’s in the bag shop with Margie he looks so different and again so much better. The transformation is astonishing.
The continuity gone weird again. Ok back to the interview. This scene was obviously filmed in parts because a few minutes later in the interview when Margie is there he looks abit different. Another thing I notice is his split-second puzzlement during being danced around by Goren and then of course the character is angry ( as you would expect ). Maybe he was supposed to have this puzzled look and perhaps I’m reading too much into this. But for whatever it’s worth it’s there. Afterwards, when Goren is talking to Margie, there is something wrong with Charlie’s eyes. They have clouded over in darkness not related to the role that he should’ve been playing. It was there for a split second and then it wasn’t. As the character, Donny, is being manhandled out the interview room Charlie looks at the camera for a split second – which I’m sure he wasn’t supposed to do………. Over the 3 –4 weeks story time-line Charlie’s transformation is astonishing. The character, Donny ( or Jonny), that he was playing was already dying of cancer and so this kind of transformation wouldn’t have happened over 3 - 4 wks. This kind of transformation on a character would’ve already happened months before and would’ve been there the whole time of the storyline. ( I hope you get what I mean ) With all this in front of me I came to this conclusion. An Executive Producer of Law and Order told me Charlie was filmed between 22 Dec 03 and 14 Jan 04. Charlie started work already in a rather depressed state with an injury to his finger ( unless it happened whilst on set ). For the 1st few days of the job he felt or encountered, in his mind, problems and I guess he found it harder to fit in with perhaps 1 or 2 of the scenes. Something happened on 29 Dec 03 ( or even the 28 ) that caused him to feel like no-one knew who he was anymore, in his mind. As filming continued after 29 Dec 03 his health improved to such an extent that it’s like watching two different people playing 1 role on this episode. ( kind of weird ) ( he blogged this on 8 Jan 04 on a blog about a song : link http://jumbledpileofperson.typepad.com/jmsr/2004/01/seventeen_by_th.html I like this song. Posted by: charles rocket January 08, 2004 at 08:56 AM However by the time this episode was 1st aired in the US on 15 Feb 2004 though, he was depressed again to such an extent he wrote something on a blog, again totally unrelated to the blog contents, about the downfall of his career. He wrote this on 20 Feb 04 the same week that his episode of Law and Order aired:
link http://jumbledpileofperson.typepad.com/jmsr/2004/02/nuttin_for_chri.html “ Me too. I usually look to your blog for my emotional needs. Recently, though, I've been getting my emotional hugs from a bottle of Cognac. If my career dies because of my temper issues, trust me, you'll be the first to know.”
Posted by: Charles Rocket February 20, 2004 at 02:25 PMIt may just be a coincidence that it was the same week. and something happened at home. Or it’s quiet possible that Charlie saw the episode and didn’t like how he acted the part. In his mind he thought he should’ve done better. For 2 of the email links to his name, he used made up nbc addresses and he was working for nbc at the time. For whatever it’s worth in that interview sequence in the story-line, Charlie definitely went somewhere in split-second moments not related to the character he was supposed to be portraying. His eyes tell you he’s not OK. The eyes are the gateway to the soul.
Add to this the comment entries and the lack of continuity on Charlie and you have someone who was very ill in real life. By the way a finger injury would not normally last 3 – 4 weeks.
Chapter 9
April and June 2005
After Law and Order I can find no record of any work.
In April 2005 Charlie attended the Tribeca Film Festival. A documentary on TV Party was being shown. The TV Party show was what he used to be in after SNL in the 80’s. He met up with some old friends including Glenn O’Brien and seemed in fine form.
On the 11 June 2005 Charlie ended up going to the Newport Film Festival. At this festival he had finally been able to start on a project, which was to be like his old Rocket Reports. He wasn’t expected but he was let in with some production people.
Charlie did some interviewing with Annette O’Toole, Christopher Guest and Harry Shearer. I don’t know if he interviewed any others. Michael McKean ( who’s married to Annette O’Toole ) was receiving a lifetime achievement award. Charlie was very smartly dressed, dashing, charming and neat and tidy. I’ve been told that he looked fantastic. It is said that he was charming whether he was working or just sitting in the production van. Not someone who appeared to be suffering with depression.
A photographer called Jodi was around. She took pictures including some of Charlie with others. In one picture Charlie is talking to Annette O’Toole with a microphone in his hand and he’s laughing. However in another he’s definitely somewhere else in his mind for a split second. And has a very sad expression on his face…….
Charlie continued to interview. Everyone was very focused and excited about the project working out for them including Charlie. There was a lot of promise that this reworked Rocket Reports project might even go to series. They were hoping to sell it to a network. He met some fans. 2 of those fans talked to him about Earth Girls are Easy and Charlie was very gracious to them. ( note there is a picture on the internet with 2 fans – they said they saw Charlie in August however I will accept that they were probably mistaken and must’ve seen him on 11 June 05 because he’s wearing the same clothes. And they mentioned that he was with Harry Shearer and Christopher Guest who only went in June 2005 ).
Some other people around recognised Charlie and a few of them kept mentioning the SNL incident. One person in particular who shall remain nameless made a wisecrack over the SNL incident. Charlie being Charlie just tried to laugh it off. But it started something again in his mind - mentally. That person did apologise afterwards but the damage had already begun to work in Charlie’s mind.
The production team had a good day filming and Charlie took them out for tapas and drinks afterwards. None of the crew were being paid so Charlie signed some postcards for them as a thank-you for helping out.
Chapter 10
Charlie’s mental state in his last few months.
Be aware this section contains information which some of you may find hard to read or disturbing. This section is long and deals with a man’s mental state and suicide. And yes it gets graffic at the end.
A man does not kill himself without a reason, which in his mind is logical. However the actual act of suicide is an act of insanity. Thinking about suicide and actually doing it are 2 totally different things.
While Charlie was working on his house he felt the pressure. It was so much time and so much money. He didn’t realise what a huge impact moving to Canterbury would have on his mental state and physical well-being. He didn’t get work so how was he managing to support himself financially? He considered it was his responsibility to look after his wife, Beth. Canterbury became very quiet for Charlie. And he had so much time to think about a lot of things. All his negative emotions came out.
I believe that Charlie thought about suicide but not necessarily in this manner and not for that night until that very day. The easiest way would’ve been if he’d taken an overdose of over the counter drugs – which he could’ve bought over time and from different chemists.
Another way would've been if he'd used a gun. I should imagine he would have had access to one or been able to get one. ( from what I understand it is relatively easy to get a gun in America ). He had no problem in handling this weapon.
I expect he handled a gun when he was living on the farm with his parents. He was a boy from a farm, after all. ( his words not mine – 1987 interview). He also had handled a gun prop in some films.
Charlie was mainly right handed but he was also ambidextrous. He sometimes wore his watch on his right wrist, which was odd for a right handed man do to. Sometimes he used his left more than his right for other things but not writing. Conflict of identity comes to mind.
Through his work Charlie already came across the idea of suicide. In one or two episodes of Touched by an Angel the Angels were trying to stop a suicide. He also played suicidal characters in Murder @ 1600 and Law and Order. Also he came across it in Quantum Leap and Delirious. Again it’s all acting stuff but the point I’m making is that suicide was nothing new to him. Also he would’ve come across the idea of suicide in general through news reports. There’s even a very real possibility that someone he knew or knew of attempted or even committed suicide during his lifetime.
Besides which, Charlie had told a friend 6 months before his death that “ I’m thinking of killing myself ” - or words to that effect. ( making it around April 05 ).
Expressing a wish to die is considered a cry for help. However his friend thought that he was joking and messing about. They were in a bar, which is a public place - perhaps not a good thing to have said in a public place. Charlie’s friend thought he was just joking and messing about and shrugged it off. I believe that after the things I’ve learned about Charlie it is most likely that because his friend shrugged it off- Charlie tried to make light of it and shrug it off aswell and tried to forget about his wishing to die. His friend didn’t remember their conversation until after Charlie’s suicide. But Charlie’s feelings of wishing to die never went away………and his suicide was triggered.
Charlie most certainly had access to the internet and could've seen websites that talk about suicide and the methods and death. Shockingly this is out there. How to commit suicide. One website I discovered also talks about gassing yourself in a tent, another about cutting your throat from both sides. Charlie may have even seen books on the subjects of death, suicide and the methods people have used ( they also exist). He could’ve chosen any method: eg; hanging, overdosing, shooting etc.
Cutting your own throat has been done, I've seen some real pictures on the internet - they all show cuts in the middle of the throat where the Adams apple is ( but Charlie didn’t do it this way though) , but he could've cut his wrists instead. There are many other methods: including stabbing, poisoning, electrocution, drowning, walking in front of a vehicle, jumping off a cliff / building. This list is not exhaustive. The amount of information available on the internet about suicide and how to kill oneself is a heck of a lot.
A person who is already suicidal is very vulnerable to suggestions on ending it all and Charlie was very fragile and very vulnerable.
Whenever Charlie was going to play a part of something he would always read up on things. He knew a lot about different things. So when he considered suicide it is logical to assume that he would've read up on the subject. I'm sure he would've even picked a method at that time. Something, certainly, quick and less complicated. He was protecting Beth ( his wife) from things. He would've chosen a cleaner method - maybe overdosing. He would’ve thought about the different kinds of methods available to him and how to achieve the goal several times over those last few weeks / months of his life.
But thinking and doing are two totally different things.
As those 6 months went on I surmise these events.
I will assume that sometime after April he did the Dumb and Dumber interview. Assumption because I couldn’t get the dates from New Line Cinema. It was done sometime in 2005 but released in 2006. He appeared to be not so bad in this - good eye contact, talking to Karen Duffy - although I observe he never actually smiled - at a couple of points he tried to when there were a couple of funny things that he was saying but I think he found it hard to actually turn his lips into a smile. He looked better in that interview than he did in Law and Order though. This is why I think he was trying to recover at some level.
To his family, Charlie was working towards something in the film / TV industry. A reworked version of his Rocket Reports. This is the time when he went to the Newport Film Festival on 11th June 2005. He saw some fans and he was friendly, flirty and gracious to them. They talked to him about him being in “ Earth Girls are Easy” as well as other films. Then later in the day ( assuming later) someone who I will not name made a nasty comment to him about him being fired from Saturday Night Live for saying the “F” word which had taken place over 25 years before in 1980. Other’s also mentioned the SNL incident. Charlie as always tried to laugh it off
But after this in his mind Charlie started to feel that he would never be taken seriously after all no matter how many years had gone by. No matter what he was working on, it wouldn’t matter he would always be made to feel guilty over his mistake and never be allowed to forget it. The person apologised later but the damage was already done and this was a definite trigger point in Charlie’s suicide.
His health most definitely started to go seriously downhill from this point - worse than ever.
This is a time he started to seriously disassociate from himself. Becoming more than one person in his mind. The happy side he showed to Beth and the outside world, the other he kept to himself. It's something that he would've done in childhood. A child abuse victim tries to disassociate themselves from the abuse that's happening to them. It's a mental health issue and is complicated to understand ( even I only have a very basic understanding) . It's where a child pretends the abuse is happening to someone else. The child uses defence mechanisms in order to cope with childhood trauma. Defence mechanisms are also there in adulthood.
It is a coping mechanism in both children and adults.
Quote:
" Disassociative Identity Disorder (DID) is a severe dissociative disorder that involves a disturbance in both the memory and identity of an individual. The individual uses defence mechanisms involving splitting, idealization, devaluation, denial and/or taking on the personality of another in order to cope with trauma experienced in childhood ".
From what I have learnt child abuse causes mental health issue even throughout adulthood. The affects of child abuse don’t just stop when someone reaches 18 years of age, ie. Adulthood. The negative effects last a lifetime.
Charlie’s childhood was extremely traumatic. Being told by his parents that he was a nobody. That he didn’t matter, that he was a nothing. Not being treated as an individual. Never even being called by his own individual name. Even looking in the mirror was forbidden. Because to look in the mirror you would be considering yourself as important and to think of yourself as important was forbidden. Charlie and his siblings would be severely beaten. Also not being allowed to use the indoor bathrooms. Having to use the outside bug infested bathroom in a barn – even in the middle of a cold winter’s night - gross.
Having an axe held over your thumb when he was 6 – this didn’t just happen to Charlie, this also happened to his other brothers Jim and Lincoln aswell – this is classed as emotional torture-- .this kind of thing was happening quite frequently if not all the time. Jim, Lincoln and Charlie were viewed by their parents as one entity……..His parents took away Charlie’s identity. They were also verbally abused and constantly belittled by the parents.
Sometimes the children weren’t allowed indoors except for supper and bed. They were left outside for all hours. It didn’t matter if it was raining, cold, very hot etc. They were just locked out of the house. For no reason at all. This is classed as neglect.
This was the 50’s and 60’s. Charlie thought he would never be believed if he told anyone outside the family what was happening to him when he was a child.
Charlie’s 1987 interview makes it quite clear that he was sent to bed quite a few times without supper and he also infers that he was to blame and that it was his fault for things wrong in his childhood. Charlie was 37 years of age when he gave that interview. An odd thing to talk about in an interview at his age.
He suffered mental, emotional and physical abuse at the hands of his parents. This is not the way that parents are supposed to treat their children. But because they lived in big farmhouses and were well dressed ( I think money came from his mothers side), no –one would ever have guessed what was happening inside the family. Outward appearances were of a well dressed, neat, tidy and well bred family.
Charlie was also taught emotionally not to tell outsiders about the things going on inside the family. He did tell 1 or 2 people various things but always, I understand, in a wacky kind of way. But this was when he was a grown man. Those hearing may have thought Charlie was now OK because Charlie would make light of the bad things that had happened to him.
Even when he saw a psychiatrist – not sure when but probably in his last few months he couldn’t bring himself to tell his story. It was considered not to be done. He felt shame over his feelings of not being strong enough and not being man enough to sort out his problems. Not to show any sign of weakness was from his childhood. He was always protecting his wife and child ( even though Zane by now was what 28 ) and he viewed this as his job in life. For so long he’d tried to create a stable life for himself and his family.
I don’t know much about mental health issues but sometimes when people suffer mentally because of a situation through work or home life, which causes stress it can cause a person to function at 2 levels. You can be thinking a lot about a bad situation while still continuing to carry out your normal duties: washing up, ironing, cooking, fixing things that are broken around the house, going to work, putting on clothes, etc. Your brain usually ( but not always ) goes on automatic pilot.
Sometimes when people suffer from severe depression, mental illnesses they don’t bother with other things like putting on good clothes, eating, enjoying going out, shaving and cleanliness. This list is not exhaustive. Not taking care of their appearance etc. But with Charlie it probably didn’t show much. If he didn’t shave it didn’t matter because he’d had a beard before. In the Dumb and Dumber interview from what I could see he appeared to be dressed well. His hair was tidy but he did have stubble. Also in some acting roles he did have a beard and / or stubble.
When he went to the Newport Film Festival in June 05 he was very smartly dressed. He had his hair combed properly ( it looked thinner). He was clean-shaven and he was wearing a suit, shirt and tie. Not someone who appeared to be suffering with depression. One of the two girls in the Newport 05 picture with Charlie commented that he seemed too happy / down to earth to ever kill himself. He was funny and he appeared excited when they were chatting to him. In the picture with the 2 girls I observe that he does look at bit tired. This is why I think “ that” comment was made to him afterwards. This is also why I think he had been recovering slowing from his depression. But after the comments about Saturday Night Live things went rapidly downhill. But Charlie was good at acting as if he was OK.
But then Charlie did the oddest thing. He set up a tent in a clearing on his land several yards behind his house.
He may have already set up his tent but I think he set it up after the Newport Film Festival. Alarm bells should've started ringing but because he'd done odd things over the years Beth didn’t think much of it. She was used to these odd things after 33 years of marriage and maybe a couple of years courting / being together before that. She may have even known some small things about his childhood.
He was already, over the last 2 years, working away from the house in his barns or fields for hours at a time - so she would’ve gotten used to his behaviour. I also think that maybe when Zane was a child they had gone camping. He must’ve given Beth some sort of reasonable sounding excuse though to have fixed a tent there to avoid questions.
As Charlie worked over the last 2 years mainly by himself he became a loner and had so much time to think about a lot of things. The sadness of his situation started to envelop him and he withdrew socially from a lot of things. Except when he started to work towards a project in June 05.
Throughout his life Charlie certainly had bouts of depression and did, while he was working, tell someone about his abuse – but not comprehensively enough. He most certainly didn’t get the treatment that he should’ve had. So when he was working it means that he did think a lot about his abuse and all his other problems. Which means that when he wasn’t working it is obvious that he would’ve had a lot more time to think without interruption especially the last two years of his live whilst fixing up the house.
Usually Charlie showed great resilience and always bounced back when things got rough. ( Rudy Cheeks / Adam Bulger interview).
When Charlie saw his psychiatrist / psychologist he couldn’t bring himself to say anything, no doubt thinking he would never be believed. His parents had also taught him from an early age that you don’t discuss your problems. It wasn’t the thing to do.
Also he always considered that things were his fault – inbuilt from childhood – in his mind the abuse was he fault. When things went wrong, in his mind, he thought it was all his fault. In all probability he couldn’t or didn’t understand that he was mentally ill. It just didn’t click. He didn’t have the capacity to understand it. He considered the time with the psychologist a waste of time.
It never occurred to him that he felt the way he did because of the abuse he suffered in childhood and the way his parents treated him. He was 55 / 56 after all. Not a 15 / 16 year old.
Charlie was also up against at least one of his siblings who refused to even admit or acknowledge that child abuse occurred when they were children. I have evidence that she refused to admit the child abuse. Her refusal was right after Charlie’s death.
I think that setting up his tent represents some kind of safety net for Charlie or maybe he started finding the house too claustrophobic and enclosing. He wanted to be out in the open. There’s also a real possibility that at some sane level he thought he was becoming a danger to others because of his mood swings.
Charlie felt the walls of reality closing in.
Children when they’re young play a lot with tents in the garden. ( sometimes in their bedroom ) Setting them up, sleeping out, pretending to be on holiday camping. It’s considered “ The Den ” like a treehouse. Charlie could’ve been feeling that the tent was his den and only his space in which he could be himself and think about all the bad things that happened to him and were currently not working for him. As to what his identity was he just wasn’t sure anymore.
The way he was brought up that the individual didn’t matter and was not important and was forbidden as well as the abuse he suffered certainly had an extremely bad impact on his behaviour even in adulthood. Also setting up his tent suggests that he regressed very strongly back to his childhood at some points. Maybe he was trying to work some things out. It is a real possibility that he was planning his demise – but I don’t have any evidence of this either way. I don’t know what was found in his tent. Whatever was found in his tent would’ve been a clue to his state of mind.
Charlie was experiencing a type of mental illness where he was more than 1 person. This is like disassociation. He may have even thought that he was talking to others in his tent. This is the hearing voices bit. This is schizophrenia. He wasn’t hearing thoughts, he thought he was hearing real people and sometimes he thought he was seeing them too. Perhaps even his parents. This is where he experienced periods of insanity – he wasn’t seeing ghosts he thought he was seeing them for real or hearing them for real but it’s all in the mind. He was losing touch with reality and was withdrawing from other people. This is psychosis, schizophrenia and insanity. Charlie was caught between fantasy and reality.
As a child he would’ve disassociated himself in his mind and tried to wonder off in his mind when he was being beaten and severely abused. As a child, he pretended in his mind he’d gone to a den in the farm or in a green house etc. Or a rose garden or a happy place - this can be anywhere.
This bit is important:
In an interview with the Hartford Advocate done by Adam Bulger, Rudy Cheeks said that Charlie’s suicide was something “ Mercurial ”
Quote:
“ Cheeks said it was hard to reconcile Rocket´s personality with the way his life ended ”. ”He always showed a great resilience and bounced back and did what he had to do. The idea of suicide, I can only think it was some kind of quick, mercurial thought, where he thought he wasn´t taking care of Beth the way I want to, and all the negative things in his life was all he was thinking about. I don´t know,¨ Cheeks said.”
End quote
When I looked at the term Mercurial it means:
Liable to sudden unpredictable change “ erratic behaviour ”
A quicksilver character: cool and wilful at one moment, utterly fragile the next.
Quick and changeable in temperament.
It is obvious from Rudy’s comment that Charlie was known for his erratic behaviour. It was considered that it was just “ his way ” without anyone asking why he was “ this way ”. Charlie was sometimes unpredictable in his behaviour but he always bounced back.
This could be another reason why Charlie was left to his own thing when he put up his tent. It was just considered Charlie being “ just Charlie ”.
Charlie selling a car in September, which was his prized possession, would’ve been another clue to his mental wellbeing. Giving away or selling a prized possession is considered a termination act.
In September he certainly had access to the internet. On the outside he was still acting as normal as possible. He emailed someone called “ Joselle ” in September saying how he was enjoying life in Connecticut. ( I don’t know who this person is, there’s no internet link to her name but the impression is it was either someone he worked with or a friend he hadn’t seen for a while.). link:
http://www.tvsquad.com/2005/10/17/charles-rocket-dead-at-56/
He may have seen people’s comments on his re-release of films over the yrs. I came across a comment about SNL done in 2004 in which Charlie is mentioned very negatively as well as lots of others over the years. Seeing stuff like that would’ve only added to his already highly negative feelings about himself. I also found that some of his films were re-released in September / October 05 – with highly negative comments. Suggestive of another trigger.
Charlie had his good and bad days. On a bad day he could’ve been thinking about his parents, what they did to him and others. About all the bad stuff happening to him. He could’ve been secretly drinking. This is nothing unusual for people experiencing severe depression / mental illness. The use of alcohol could be used to drown out their sorrows. They try and self-medicate by using over the counter or prescription drugs and / or alcohol. His entry of Feb 04 ( see Law and Order part above ) suggests he tried to drown out his sorrows. But for Charlie it obviously wasn’t enough that he may have only done it a few times. He could’ve been thinking about all the acting jobs he’d done which, in his mind, didn’t amount to very much.
Let me make it clear, however, that Charlie wasn’t an alcoholic. He would only have maybe one or two drinks if he was socializing and he kept himself fit. But I am in no doubt that the blog entry comments made were his.
However I strongly feel that he did like playing the character Adam in the Touched by an Angel series. He got on well with everyone. He’d done at least 10 episodes or so over the years. He liked Della ( again an impression). and he wished he’d had a mum like her , caring, compassionate. Della was like the mother to everyone. She’s a reverend and these things are traits in a reverend. It has been said that when you meet her you never forget her. Charlie brought humour to the role of Adam. My gut reaction is that, after the 1st couple of episodes, the part was written especially with him in mind. He brought a lot of himself into that part – his humour. Charlie also had a certain style and class.
He also liked playing in films / dramas with children and used to have a lot of fun with them on and off screen.
Charlie spent most of the summer in his tent, which for a 56 year old was an extremely odd thing to do when he had a nice house which he had almost finished working on.
Chapter 11
Charlie’s last day
On his last day Charlie had a lot of travelling time to think about things. He knew the next day he had to do the SNL documentary, which he had agreed to do reluctantly. The more he thought about it the more he realised he didn’t want to do it and the more emotionally charged he got. It brought a specific chain of thought and here’s why:
He was travelling to Providence in Rhode Island:
Of course he was thinking a lot about his past. He thought about RISDee………
He had left home to go to college. He was away from the abuse. He found he made friends with everyone. He did a lot of activities including being able to get everyone singing/ chanting for the RISD’s sport matches. He became head cheerleader; announcer, toastmaster and he stood head and shoulders above the rest.
At the hockey matches he would get everyone chanting. He gave inspiration to others. He formed a band, which was popular. He found he was liked for himself.
He started to find that he was an individual and not “ JimLinkCharlie ”. ( yes, you read it right).
Things that he was taught were forbidden became available to him and there was no come back on this.- ie no one told him off. He realised that they weren’t actually forbidden. He realised at some level that he had been lied to by his parents and also that this was not the way that children are meant to be brought up and treated by parents.
He grew in himself as an individual.
He started to like himself when people would come up to him and give him positive feedback.
He gained respect and love ( in the plutonic / friendship sense).
In the RISD 1973 yearbook most students got one page but Charlie, I believe, got 3 pages indicating he had a very big impact on the college and students. He was a very popular young man. Even if a student didn’t know him they knew of him and who he was.
People considered him a genius
Later he met Beth and got married. He loved Beth very much.
He became anchorman/newsreader and was very good at it that they used his picture to advertise the news on billboards. This would’ve given him confidence even more.
He was living in Rhode Island away from parents and would try and push memories to the back of his mind.
He gained a lot of confidence in himself.
RISDee and the 70’s were the best time of his life. Going to RISDee opened up a whole new world for him. Charlie said in his 87 interview “ my education literally changed my life ”.
Then
He worked for SNL which was already made difficult by the audience’s expectations that the group would be as good as the last one, which was impossible because clearly the people were different. The Writers were different – there was a load of stuff happening in the background.
When he made the mistake of swearing by saying the “f” word it wasn’t deliberate but it was assumed that he did it on purpose. He was also told that he was the 1st to say it on live TV, which was never true. He didn’t remember saying it and had to be shown the tape recording more than once before he accepted that he had said it.
There was only 1 more show and nearly everyone lost their jobs. No matter what reasons were given, in his mind Charlie believed it was because of what he said – because the directors etc had told him indirectly. – they may have even told it to him straight. He was certainly made the scapegoat and he was most certainly never allowed to forget this mistake. It was an excuse to stop the show due to bad ratings. But Charlie being Charlie blamed himself inside.
This sent Charlie back to Square 1. He suffered very badly from the guilt but he never let it show. He also thought back to when he was a child and would be told off / punished. and suffered even more guilt. He would’ve imagined his parents shouting at him and being nasty to him for doing this to others. Even though I think by then they were no longer alive.(feb 81). Child abuse definitely affects people throughout their lives. The effects don’t end when someone reaches the age of 18.
Because of the way he had been brought up and treated as a child his guilt was a thousand times worse than if he had had a normal happy childhood.
He lost all confidence in himself.
He went alone to Providence. I guess that he would’ve worn good clothes. During his journey to Providence he would’ve been constantly thinking of his time in Providence and RISD and then when the moment things totally fell apart for him on SNL and people’s comments over the years.
He would’ve thought about the entire negative feed back
When he lost the job at SNL, not only did depression set in ( this is a wild guess ) but he appeared to have not worked in the TV / film industry for 2-3 years- apart from TV Party but he wasn’t being paid. If this is the case then I really feel he struggled but he had Beth and Zane.
On his long trip to Providence his thoughts were going backwards and forwards between RISD ( which were the good times ) , SNL ( the bad times at the end) , his not so good career ( in his mind non-existent ) , his parents, his childhood, the abuse he suffered, his financial problems. All these thoughts going round and round his head was most certainly no good for him mentally.
His state of mind was already so fragile and it hadn’t helped that a comment was made to him June 2005. That comment showed him – in his mind – that he as a person was no good anymore and that he’d only be known for his one stupid mistake. ( this turned out to be true-one only has to read the obits). It constantly played on his already unstable mind.
After the voice-over which was probably for a game or a cartoon ( he’d done both before), or it may have been a commercial, he sat in the park by himself.
Thinking.
For, I don’t know how long –an hour maybe – even half an hour alone in a park feels like an eternity…..
Again all these thoughts were constantly going round his head. He really suffered for all this. His guilt was brought on by thinking about what he had to do the next day. He felt he couldn’t do it anymore and he didn’t want to do it – but it was way too late to say no. He knew people would make comments and he would be at the butt end of the jokes.
He just couldn’t stop his thoughts: RISD, SNL, his guilt, his parents, his horrendous abuse, things he thought he should’ve done better. His perceived failure at his career.
All his negative thoughts were pouring over him like a cold tidal wave that he couldn’t stop ( this could drive anyone insane).
He already many months before thought of himself as a failure and he was most certainly suffering from severe depression in 2003 / 2004. In Law and Order there was no continuity on Charlie. He was going through a very personal / private change and the finger injury he sustained was real. The blog entries are most certainly his and SNL was never far from his mind because he used the SNL initials as bogus email addresses so he could make entries on that website. He also used the “ nbc ” initials and he was working for NBC at the time. It was Fred Berner ( a co –exec producer on Law and Order ) who gave me the dates when Charlie worked on Criminal Intent. ( can’t make comments without an email address).
To tell a friend around April 2005 that he wanted to end it all means he most certainly was mentally suffering for many months before hand. To talk about suicide, ending it all and death was a definite sign of his severe depression. It’s also an act of feeling totally hopeless and helpless. He was still smoking a lot.
As he sat on a park bench he saw children in the park. This took him back to his own horrible childhood. He couldn’t stop thinking about his childhood. There were tears in his eyes. He wiped them away.
When Charlie met his friend, who owned a TV Production company later, he appeared to be in decent spirits. He was meeting his friend to talk about the Rocket Report project that had been started in June
People with mental illnesses and severe depression are good at acting. So he pretended that he was fine – as usual - on the outside. He was so good at that. But he probably couldn’t concentrate very much even though he tried really hard to. At some level he may have realised that his heart was no longer in it. Maybe he thought he would feel better the next day though.
So Charlie just tried to carry on.
His drive back was even harder though, with all his thoughts going around and his emotional turmoil it would be enough to drive even a normal, healthy person crazy / insane.
At some point he saw Larry the gas station attendant ( in Canterbury) and Charlie shook hands for just that few seconds longer than was normal or usual.
To Beth he pretended everything was OK, that things went OK. Charlie was functioning at 2 levels. The automatic pilot / good side he showed to Beth and the outside world, while the really, really bad thoughts he kept inside himself.
After dinner Charlie went out for a walk. He never came back to the house. I was told that Beth went to bed later. ( I did wonder why she never went looking for him because at the time of my orig conclusion I didn’t know about Charlie’s tent but even so she was used to him disappearing for hours at a time when he was fixing things.).
Without further info on what was found in his tent I cannot be sure what Charlie did next. But his reading glasses are a clue. Also what he was wearing when he was found was a clue.
Chapter 12
Charlie’s last night.
Charlie was out walking. He walked around for a bit. His thoughts creating emotional turmoil around his very fragile mind.
Then he went to his barn to get something, he remembered at some level that something needed fixing.
Anyway whatever it was he was inside the main barn building and from somewhere he either had his reading glasses on or he took them from where they were kept. Anyway he had them on and he was either going to read something or write something. Whatever it was he couldn’t do it , well write anyway – because if he had it would’ve been found…………he might’ve been thinking of reading something he kept in the barn.
BUT……………………
Charlie’s thoughts were still going round his head. It was none stop. He may have thought even that he could hear his father as if he was really there ( the insane bit). His father telling / shouting at him, saying really nasty things. Perhaps his mother repeating them. ( the voices in the head bit)
By this time Charlie was most definitely insane at some level although the automatic pilot level was still functioning to some degree. He shouted at himself, undoubtedly swore several times at himself for being a failure and he was emotionally hurting, painfully.
( the anger bit: I’ve seen him being angry in something so it’s not that hard to imagine how he would look for real)
He was probably hallucinating. Rage does funny things to the brain and body. Heart beats faster, blood pressure goes up. Everything feels narrower (sight). Mind focuses on 1 thing. The thing that the rage is against. Everything else is blocked out.
Beth wouldn’t have heard any of this. She was probably watching TV / listening to music and the barn is several yards away. Or by then it may have been late and she may have already gone to bed.
His rage was bad. His self-loathing knew no bounds and his self-rage was too much to handle. It didn’t help that the voices inside his head were telling him he was no good and a total failure at everything he touched. Undoubtedly he was hallucinating by now. Hearing his father and mother. Saying things like “ you’re a failure, you don’t deserve to live, you don’t deserve Beth ” .Perhaps hearing other people who weren’t that nice to him in the past.
Perhaps he even threw a few things around. ( a wild guess )
He just wanted it all to stop and go away. His mind functioning at 2 levels “ I need something to stop the pain ”. and he was looking for something. If he had had a gun to hand he would’ve used it. But he didn’t. He looked around and saw the tool box. Somewhere a voice told him things were in the tool box. So he opened it and laid his hands on probably the 1st 2 things he saw ( or felt) – box cutters ( utility knives) . Being that he was ambidextrous he automatically picked up both things. They must’ve been sharp because I’m sure as a child his father would’ve drilled into him how to keep his tools clean and ready to use. Over the last couple of years he most definitely injured himself whilst fixing things – maybe sometimes on purpose – people who are severely depressed and have expressed suicide quiet often self-harm but they hide their wounds.
Anyway, Charlie automatically closed the lid and took his reading glasses off and put them on top of the toolbox. An odd thing to do but I’ve gone with it. The box cutters ( utility knives) were usually kept in the tool box. Charlie’s reading glasses were found upon the tool box, which was kept in the main barn building.
He went outside to his den ( the tent). In those few yards he may have calmed down but not very much.
Charlie sat down in his tent. He just stopped. Put down his tools. He took off his shirt ( unless he had taken it off earlier ). He was still wearing his black trousers, white socks and black shoes but for some reason his shoelaces were untied. I really can’t think why unless he was going to put something else on that he kept in his tent and had untied them to change. He may infact have taken them off and put them on later but just didn’t tie them – meaning he did it in a rush.
He sat for some time. Only God knows what he really did. I can just take a very wild guess though. As he sat or lay in his tent, his thoughts started up again. All his negative thoughts, bad feelings rolled over him. It wouldn’t stop.
Charlie was filled with self-hate and such sorrow that far exceeded someone who had, in his mind, just failed in life.
In his mind Charlie had no real job that could be classed as successful or even a job, he had no money and he thought he had failed at everything in life including establishing himself as what he considered a proper actor. ( the trouble was that Charlie was too nice for “ Hollywood ” – he had been mistreated so badly by it ) .
He’d always needed a job from others or permission from others to do a job. He felt such shame at this. He started to cry. He let it flow from his eyes like drops of rain. All his other very negative thoughts were there constantly.
He felt like he would never be taken seriously. And Charlie wanted to be taken seriously. For the world to be fair he wanted to be a success. To cancel out his horrific childhood he wanted things to be fair and he wanted to be taken seriously.
But he felt like it was never going to happen.
Again he was holding one tool in each hand. But he didn’t remember picking them up. Charlie was again hearing the voices telling him to do it and he was again starting to hallucinate. He tried to lash out at what he thought he saw and could’ve for a moment realised there was nothing there. But he was well and truly angry and hated himself for a lot of things and kept thinking that he didn’t deserve to live and be loved by anyone anymore. The rage was very much alive in his mind. All he could see ( in his mind ) was his father standing before him with something to strike him ( an image from childhood - which he would’ve seen every now and again over the last few weeks / months ). Charlie had his demons.
And he just wanted now to kill him. That’s the rage against others.
Then his train of thought got to tomorrow and the SNL documentary that he was due to film and the rage and self-hatred started up again turning on himself because of his guilt. All the time hearing voices saying things like “ you good for Nothing…” “ because of you this happened…” “ you don’t deserve to live….”.
That’s the rage against himself. His feeling of being worthless was just so great.
Basically all the bad stuff coming out to the front of his mind. All his negative thoughts came out. He just hated himself and everything around him and he couldn’t stop. He was well past stopping. He was painfully hurting not just emotionally but physically as well. The pressure on his mind and the tenseness of his muscles was bad. He just wanted it all to stop.
He felt shame. He lashed out again but there was no-one there. From somewhere a voice was telling him he was no good for Beth and he was worthless at everything he did or touched. That Beth was better off without him. The shame was at feeling that he couldn’t take care of or look after his wife like he thought he should. His shame was that he was no longer a man in his mind. Here he was crying like a baby, in his mind, not a man thing. His shame was that he couldn’t provide for her like he wanted to.
He was still holding the tools and he could feel the blades. He just felt so helpless and everything was hopeless and he felt totally worthless. In this state he would’ve been capable of an extreme act of total violence, which he took out on himself. I’ve no doubt that he was in such emotional pain the tears were flowing freely down his cheeks. He was hurting and he wanted it to stop and he was so angry and he hated himself for it. He saw no way out except this way.
He knelt on the ground. He still had a sharp box cutter / utility knife in each hand.
He went for his throat, in this manner: he took his left hand to the right side of his neck and his right hand to his left and criss –crossed, he pulled inwards. Charlie fell forwards and he felt his life-force flowing out. The physical pain drowning out his emotional and mental pain.
The pressure was too much for him, the emotional and mental pain was beyond anything few people can understand unless they’ve been there.
In all probability Beth had gotten used to his strange and erratic behaviour over the years – certainly in the last few months. It never occurred to her that he’d commit suicide.
Chapter 13
Last few thoughts.
There’s a very real possibility that Charlie had attempted suicide in the past but managed to get away with whatever it was he did by saying it was an accident. Perhaps overdosing but realised in time it was not the thing to do and made himself throw up. Or he even had a knife to his wrists but wasn’t wild enough to cut himself and realised just in time what he was doing. Maybe someone interrupted him.
From June 05 Charlie’s mental health / state deteriorated very fast because just 4 months later he took his own life. He would’ve been so out of it and mentally insane that it didn’t matter that there was only Beth who would find him : even though he viewed protecting Beth as his job in life.
But Charlie had blocked everything out and could only feel his own pain. He got lost in his own mind. His anguish was so much more than the anguish he knew he would cause others – if he thought about that at all. The actual act of suicide itself is an act of insanity so it is not likely he was even able to comprehend thinking about others.
It’s possible that Charlie set up his tent and planned different ways of ending it all, or that he just wanted space to himself. Without knowing what was in his tent I just don’t know.
There’s another possibility why he set up the tent and started spending a lot of time there. The possibility is that he at some sane level earlier thought that he was becoming a danger to Beth. He may have thought he could really hurt her, physically, when he was in one of his “moods”. So to protect her he spent most of his time outside the home.
Charlie’s injuries show no hesitation marks. This is highly unusual in a suicide with blades. On this evidence it is possible that Charlie dies instantly – if not very quickly.
Charlie was found face down. He had 3 inch cuts on each side of his throat. He was that insane and so angry at himself that he never hesitated. He had no shirt on. He had black trousers, white socks and black shoes which were untied. The cutters he used were found next to him.
His wife found his body in the morning whilst out with their dog.
Several hours later there was a limousine on their drive. Charlie had been due to go to NYC to film the Saturday Night Live 80’s documentary. He had been reluctant to do it and I think he felt pushed into doing it. This added to his mental state. Pushing him well over the edge.
Chapter 14
Did Charlie hear this on the radio?
Not long ago I came across this. It’s a link to a transcript of a radio programme On The Media, which aired on 7th October 2005.
If this was broadcast before Charlie’s estimated time of death or near his time of death, this could’ve been the very thing that gave him the final push over the edge to commit suicide.
In this radio programme Charlie is mentioned so negatively that he was still being gossiped about his SNL mistake 25 years after the fact. Add this to the documentary he was due to do and you have an extremely volatile mental situation, pushing Charlie well over the edge.
Or it could just be a very, very weird coincidence.
I do not know the time it was 1st aired but if it was aired early morning on Friday 7th October 2005 Charlie could’ve heard it. It is aired on different radio stations all across the US at different times.
You decide……………….
Link:
http://www.onthemedia.org/episodes/2005/10/07/segments/71798
Part quote:
“ BROOKE GLADSTONE: This is On The Media. I'm Brooke Gladstone.
BOB GARFIELD: And I'm Bob Garfield. Former Saturday Night Live cast member Charles Rocket didn't leave much of a mark on comedy, but he nevertheless entered the annals of live TV when he was fired in 1981 for blurting out a very naughty word in the middle of Weekend Update……..”
“BOB GARFIELD: And there you were, the Charles Rocket of college football ”
yasmin
14th May 2008
Saturday 17 May 2008
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